Happy Birthday To Us

Twenty eight years ago, at 4:04 PM, I was spat from betwixt my mother's legs, regurgitated into the mid 80's slimey and crying. I was a pain in the ass to my parents even before I was born. I defecated inside my mother. I know this because my parents told my brother and he just happened to tell anyone who would
listen that I was born with shit in my mouth (he has quite an imagination).

Anyway from a young age I knew I was special. I felt somehow different from the other children. I could look at them and see in their eyes that I was on a different level intellectually, spiritually and physically. I was walking at 6 months. Composing full sentences at 8 months. I could even do simple math before my first birthday. And my physical attributes were what my physician called "Startlingly advanced. I have never seen a child like this in all my years of practicing medicine." I started shaving at the ripe old age of 7.

So where am I going with this, you may be asking yourself? The plot does indeed thicken...

My mom called me today, like she does every birthday, to wish me a Happy day and to tell me she loves me. Only today her voice sounded strange. I could tell something else was weighing on her mind.

"What is it mom?", I asked her. And what she told me changed my world forever.

"Son, I haven't been honest with you all these years. Your father isn't your biological father. I wanted to tell you sooner, but I didn't know how."

I sat there with the phone to my ear not speaking, but not hearing much more of the conversation. Until the last part.

You see, my mom used to do a lot of work on movies before I was born. She catered the sets and made a lot of friends in the business. Her last job was on a little movie called Code of Silence. Heres a sampling of that films brilliance.....

You're back? Good. Rousing stuff, I know.

Thats where she met and fell in love with Chuck Norris or, as he's now known to me, Dad. She admitted to me this morning that there was a short romance. Chuck never had children and he was on the lookout to bring a true heir into this world. He impregnated my mother on set, but something strange happened.

The fetus (me) grew at a greatly accelerated pace. And when I was born I had all of his strengths, yet none of his weaknesses. I was like a white Blade, but instead of a thirst for blood that drove me it was a thirst for justice.

He made it so that the birth would coincide with his own day of birth. Now it all made sense.  Lets look at the similarities, shall we?

1. The beard

As I've stated before I had quite a flock of facial hair at age 7.

Chuck is known for his trademark beard. There are claims that state behind his glorious facial fur lies another fist. Claims that have neither been confirmed nor denied by Chuck himself.

2. We are both masters of Karate

Chucks black belt status is known throughout most of the world. He defeated Bruce Lee one on one in the 60's when Bruce was in his Prime. I only reached white belt status through The Police Athletic League karate classes. However, I broke my first cinderblock on my 5th birthday and my forms and kata are outstanding. Belts mean nothing to me.

I could go on all day about the things we have in common, but I don't know if there are enough pages on this blog my friends.

Chuck forbid my mother to speak of what occurred that fateful day. How ironic then that I was conceived on the set of Code Of Silence?

I don't know if we'll ever meet, Dad, but thank you for bestowing your powers upon me. Like you did for so many years, I will try and change this world for the better, one furious roundhouse kick at a time.